Learn To Say No To Fear
Anything worth doing comes with fear attached. What if I can’t do it? What if I fail at this? Will people see me as a loser? What if the learning curve is too great? What if I don’t really have the aptitude needed?
I get these same fearful thoughts every time I begin a new project. And here’s what I try to do to get past them. I remind myself…..
- that if I don’t step out and try something new, I am settling for a stagnated life. I say to myself if an organism isn’t growing, it’s dying. Since I am not ready to die, I need look for opportunities to keep me moving forward.
- that this new venture won’t kill me. It’s just a thing – a new something to try; a project worth considering. I don’t need to be locked down by fear over something that is not that consequential. Franklin Roosevelt was right, “The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself.”
- that as soon as I move towards the “new thing,” the fear always subsides. For some reason, when I am paralyzed by fear, if I can just get up and move towards it, it shrinks away.
- that this is what life is. Having an idea, being nervous and afraid, overcoming the fear by moving towards it and then seeing something positive come to pass. It’s not that complicated.
I don’t know what you are afraid of today. If it’s a good idea you have been thinking about pursuing, I urge you to get up and do it. Time is short. Our lives are here and then quickly gone. Be a big life person by taking a risk. Go for it. Plan the trip. Finish your degree. Start that business. Train for that marathon. Write that book. Ask her or him for that date. Get that tattoo…..ok I got carried away.:) You get the point. Go live big my friends!
A Lesson From My First Day as A Radio DJ
On a cold February afternoon in 1979, I drove the 5 miles from my high school to WSSA, a 5000 watt radio station located south of Atlanta. After interning for a month, I was about to sit behind the microphone for my first on-air shift. I would be working “afternoon drive,” meaning I would be the disc jockey to bring people home from their jobs. The format was country music. Because we were a small station, I would be my own producer. Just me, a microphone, two turntables, a cart machine that played commercials, a phone, and a big clock. To me, this was the big time and I was 16 years old.
I had the plan in my head. I would begin my show with Kenny Rogers singing The Gambler then seamlessly segue to Emmylou Harris singing Two More Bottles of Wine. The other songs I would play are a blur now but I just remember I had a plan. I had all my friends and family tuning in to listen to my debut. I was about to be a star. This was a really big day.
Let me pause the story to give you a lesson in how radio worked in the late 70’s. We actually played 45 rpm records. We had the current top 100 songs in the country in the studio to the left of the turntables and then every song from the last 20 years were archived one room over in our music library. As the DJ, I would choose the record and put it on the turntable. I would then turn the volume pod that controlled that turntable all the way to the left until it clicked. That would put the sound only in the studio and not on the air. Then I would put the needle on the record and turn the record with my hand until I heard the first sound coming through the “studio only” speaker. I would then spin the record by hand back ½ a turn. Next, I would take the volume pod out of the queue position and turn it up. When I was ready for the song to play, I would push the button that started the turntable and all of Atlanta would hear my song. I hope you got that. Turn the pod down till it clicked putting the music only in the studio but not on the air. Turn the pod up out of the queue position and the sound would be broadcast to the listening audience.
So, at 3:00 PM with all my friends and family listening, I began my first show. “This is Ray Waters, and I’m ready to take you home Atlanta. We’ve got some great music lined up to play for you this afternoon. The Statler Brothers, Dolly Parton, Ronnie Milsap, Crystal Gayle, Willie and Waylon and a whole lot more. Let’s get this hour started with the sweet sounds of Kenny Rogers singing The Gambler.” I hit the switch and the music began. It was beautiful. I was doing it. I was a professional radio announcer. I was only a teenager but I was sitting in the DJ chair bringing the music to Atlanta. I was going to be amazing.
Suddenly all the lights lit up on the phone lines in the booth. This was huge. People must love this. Every line was ringing and I’d only been on the air a few minutes. I answered the studio line, “Good afternoon, how can I help you?”
The first caller said, “There’s no music on my radio.”
I said, “Ok, sounds like you have a problem, I hope you get that radio fixed my friend.” Then the second caller said the same thing. I thought this is strange. Two callers both not hearing the music on my show. Then it hit me. I had set the song up and hit play but I had never turned the volume pod from the queued position to the broadcast position. I was playing my Kenny Rogers song only to me, not to all of Atlanta. I quickly turned the pod to its proper position. Music was finally playing across the airwaves like it was supposed to. Because of my embarrassment, I just put one song on after another and I didn’t say a word for the next 15-20 minutes. I got over it, but it was not the start I had dreamed of.
My first radio day taught me a valuable lesson. Almost no one is great at anything on their first day. You have to be bad at something before you get better – then better before you get good – then good before you get great. I got much better in radio. I stayed with it until I was reasonable good at the craft. I had other interests that soon dominated my life so, I did not stick with it to see if I could ever be great at it. But that’s ok. I learned greatness was never an option on the first day. I learned you can get better from your mistakes. I don’t think I ever forgot to turn the volume pod up again. And I learned that music is a wonderful thing, if the people it’s intended for can actually hear it. 🙂 Now go out there and live your big life today.
Doing It
“I’m going to go for it Ray. You’ll see.”
Great, I am excited for you.
“Ray, You are going to watch my smoke. I am going to crush this.”
Wonderful. I believe in you.
“Ray, my time is now. I am ready to finally step up and be the leader I have always felt I was supposed to be.”
That’s outstanding news. The world certainly needs great leaders.
“Ray, I am ready to get out of the box.”
Terrific, I know boxes aren’t very comfortable to live in.
“Ray, the time is finally right for me to make a contribution.”
I totally get that. Now is a great time……
You can go for it, crush it, be the leader you have always known you could be, get out of your box, and make a contribution. But will you?
You can talk about it all day. You can practice positive affirmations. You can create a vision board. You can believe in yourself with all your might. But none of that matters, if you don’t do it. Just do it. Get up and do the things you know to do today towards your dream becoming a reality. Then go to bed. Then repeat the process tomorrow. Every day just do it. That’s how you create a truly big life.
A Big Home Life
Changing Your Perspective
“The world is going to hell in a hand basket!” It might not be stated exactly like that, but I have heard that mantra or something similar almost every day of my adult life. There’s only one problem. It’s not so. For every bad thing that is happening in our country and world, I can show you 10 things that are actually getting better. Recently my dad and I were ordering food at The Varsity, a historic Atlanta Hotdog Drive In and we were talking about crime. I mentioned that violent crime had come down substantially in the US since the middle 1970’s. My father, who is the smartest man I know said that didn’t seem right. Surely with all the stories we see each day on 24 hour news there has to be more violence now than in the 1970’s. I pulled out my smart phone and ask Google to graph the violent crime in the US over the last 50 years. The graph looked something like this.
To say my dad was shocked would be an understatement. As he has gotten older he had not paid attention to the data but rather believed the anecdotal evidence which was not accurate.
There is so much more. Global literacy rates are rising dramatically. Global poverty is declining at a rapid rate. Teen births in the US have steadily decreased since 1960. The percent of per capita disposable income spent on food in the US has come down dramatically since 1960.
Your world is getting better. The 24 hour news cycle has no incentive to tell you that bit of news. They make their money keeping you anxious and worried. Their hidden message seems to be, “Don’t go outside, it’s scary out there.” It might be, but statistics say it’s a lot safer now than it was 40 years ago. So for me and my house, we are focussing on the good things and trying to help improve the bad. That’s the way it’s done, if you want to live a big life.
Standing With My Friends
When Pulse, the gay nightclub in Orlando was the target for the most recent mass shooting, my heart broke for the precious young people who died that night. But also, my heart hurt for my LGBTQ friends who were grieving the fact that their group, family, tribe had been targeted. From my gay friends I heard story after story about being bullied, harassed and having to live in fear because they were different. Sure they had won the right to be equal under the law, but that didn’t change the fact they still felt targeted – and they had been.
Two days ago I watched a video of the shooting of Alton Sterling, a 37-year-old black man killed by the police in Baton Rouge. I am not a trained legal analyst, but his death looked horrific and unnecessary. Then, I awakened this morning to the shooting death of Philando Castile, a 32 year old, who was shot by the police in the suburbs outside of Minneapolis. His girlfriend began live streaming on FB just after he was shot. She said her boyfriend told the police he was carrying and when he was reaching for his ID the policeman shot him 4 times. He died as we watched live on FB. They had been stopped because they had a taillight that was not working.
I can hear many saying the following…. Maybe it wasn’t the officer’s fault. Both of these men brought it on themselves. Let the courts do their job before we pass judgement. We know Alton Sterling had a criminal record. Etc, etc, etc…
Here’s what I know for sure. I stand in solidarity with my friends.
In November 2014, I was horrified when I watched the police pull up on Tamir Rice, a 12 year old boy playing with a play gun in the park in Cleveland, Ohio – alone. He was shot in less than 2 seconds. Maybe that happens all the time to white children. I have never seen a video of it but I guess it is possible.
When Travon Martin was killed in 2012, many white people that I know immediately jumped to the defense of the killer, George Zimmerman, the neighborhood watch volunteer who had been told by 911 to stop following Travon and let the police do their job. He didn’t follow their instructions. A fight ensued and Travon, 17 years old, was shot and killed. Less than five hours after the shooting Zimmerman was released from police custody. He was touted by many to be a great American. The last four years have proved otherwise. Maybe things like that happen all the time to 17 year old white kids. If it does, I guess I am unaware of it.
I remember shortly after Travon’s death a good friend of mine named Sonya was crying in church. I asked her what was wrong. She told me she was grieving out of fear. Her son was 14. He was a tall handsome boy. He also sometimes wore a hoodie. She was afraid her son’s life could be easily taken away and his killer could walk away because of the color of her son’s skin.
I am 54 years old and I have never worried about that happening to my sons. Why? Are they better? Are they smarter? Have they never been on the wrong side of the law? No to all of the above. They are white. I believe things like that happen far less to young men who look like my sons.
Please don’t misunderstand this article. I am not interested in trashing the police. There are good policemen and policewomen who protect and serve their communities. I just need you to know I stand with my black friends who are feeling as if their lives often don’t matter as much because of their skin color. Your lives matter. And I am standing with you.
Start Out Like You Can Hold Out
I was eating dinner with my wife and mother-in-law recently when we began talking about how some people really excel in the early stages of dating. They pull out all the stops when they begin courting but after they close the deal and get married they cannot sustain the level of intensity they have set during the dating process. This usually comes as a great shock to the partner who has been overwhelmed by the attention and love given before the marriage. My mother-in-law Joyce is from the country and is almost always able to remember an old saying she learned from her mother that applies to whatever we are talking about. With no hesitation she gave me this pearl of wisdom. She said, “Ray, my momma always told us, you need to start out like you can hold out.”
That little saying has me thinking. Is there an application for those of us on the ‘Big Life’ journey? I think there is. I am learning steady beats big and dramatic almost every day. As a young man, I often fixated on the idea of dramatic wins, huge grand openings, and phenomenal successes. Those things were fun to think about. But they seldom worked out. And if they did, they didn’t maintain that level of success for long. My obsession with the flashy and grand seemed to be more fanciful than rooted in reality. Please don’t misunderstand. I believe in big dreams. I believe you are capable of amazing things. I just find it healthier for me to pursue meaningful dreams in a sustainable way. I want to start out like I can hold out.
When I began the Big Life webpage, I wanted to write a blog. My overachieving nature wanted to commit to writing one every day. That would be so impressive. I would be like the great blogger Seth Godin – seven days a week and 365 days a year. And I could have done that for a few weeks, maybe a month or so. But it would not have been sustainable. So the wiser Ray stepped in and said wait a minute, I feel certain I can write a blog three times a week, Monday, Wednesday and Friday. That was a good commitment. It’s work. It hasn’t always been easy, but I have kept that schedule since our inception and have found it to be a rhythm that works well for me.
I have seen the same mistake when someone decides they want to get in better shape. They create an elaborate plan of workouts and diet. It is so impressive. They plan to run in the morning. They will lift weights in the afternoon. They will walk at night. They will eat 800 calories a day. And they will get down to their dream weight in six weeks. Guess what? That plan NEVER WORKS. You will do it today and tomorrow and by the third day you will be so exhausted you will not be able to get out of the bed. Then you will get depressed and when you do get out of the bed you will head straight to Dairy Queen. If you want to change your life, it is always better to think through a sustainable, realistic plan that will be achievable this week and can become truly realistic health and wellness habits for the rest of your life.
As you begin your next project, I hope you will remember the adage, “You need to start out like you can hold out.” There is great wisdom there.
And if you are dating…..take a deep breath. You don’t have to peg the speedometer every time you go out. Every date doesn’t have to be a grand-slam home-run. Relax. Find the rhythm, that works over the long haul. You’ll be glad you did….and your future partner will be too.
The Paradox of Freedom
Everyone wants to be free. But freedom is not the right to do whatever you want. Nor, is freedom the right to not have to do anything at all. Real freedom comes by your willingness to pay a price and it always has a price.
Many dream of being free from the job they hate and It can be done. But, it takes a willingness to spend time and energy developing additional skills that will allow you to either work for someone else or become an entrepreneur. Without commitment, you simply exchange one feeling of bondage for another. Some dream of being financially free and It can happen. But, it doesn’t occur just because you wish it. It only happens when you hunker down to pay off debt and save money. Then, it becomes a reality. To simply walk away from the struggle leaves you broke with no credit and no way to get the weight of debt off your back.
It is easy to say I want to be free. It is easy to quit the job or the marriage you feel is holding you back. But, often all you are doing is trading one form of slavery for another. Real freedom comes at a great price. It needs to be thought about, talked about and committed to. It takes a different approach than most are willing to take. It takes a tremendous amount of work to be free. But, it is available to you. And it is worth it.
How’s the Building Going?
Jane and I are finishing up a home renovation. We had the opportunity to purchase the house next door to us for Joyce, my 86 year old mother in law. The house is 70 years old and was in need of a pretty serious makeover. We have worked quite hard on the house the last several weeks. Today, we turn the newly renovated house over to our floor specialists who will bring the hardwood floors back to their original beauty. In seven days the house will be ready to be occupied.
I have been reminded these last weeks of how trying to oversee a building process is much like building a business or brand. It, too, can be draining and tough. Here’s some similarities I have been thinking about.
- As much as you’d like to have the finished idea before you start, reality is sometimes the plan morphs and evolves day by day. Especially, if you are renovating an old home. Every wall you get into reveals additional work that needs to be done. You don’t have to know it all before you begin. In starting a business this is also true. You need to know all you can know, but most businesses will evolve. Most brand building evolves. You do not know it all when you begin the process
- Watching the money line is critical. You have to have a budget and you must stick as close as you can to it. Every day something else appears that needs attention and money. It is easy to overspend and create a financial problem by not watching your money. The same thing is true in business. You have to make choices with your resources. The last thing you want to do is totally deplete your capital. Save some back. You are going to need it.
- Occasionally a superstar will appear who will take you to a higher level than you thought possible. Our superstar was a hispanic man named Jorge. He was hired as our sheetrock man. Then, we discovered he was excellent with tile and carpentry. When the project was completed last night there was no doubt in Jane’s or my mind that the MVP was Jorge. He worked 12 hour days. His only helper was his wife, Susan. His charges were fair and his work was exemplary. He made a hard project doable. In business, similar things happen. People like Jorge appear and have the abilities to impact your company in profound ways. Keep your eye out for those people. They will take you to previously unimaginable heights.
I am very glad our building project is nearing an end. Our life will get back to normal soon. But we realize if you are going to live big, you have to step out and attempt some things you haven’t done before. We did it. Thank God…..and Jorge.
Ready to Change
Today you will do many things our of habit. It might be a good habit or it might be a bad habit. Some of these actions will propel you forward and some are keeping you stuck or even causing you to slip farther and farther away from the life you always dreamed of living. There is a saying in psychology, “When the pain of staying the same exceeds the pain of changing, change takes place.” Are you there yet?
You are free to change your life. It is not easy. It takes work. But it can happen. An alcoholic can get so sick and tired of being sick and tired that he finally decides to put down the bottle and pursue sobriety. An unhealthy obese person can realize the pain she feels every day because of her eating choices and lack of exercise can make a decision to change her life and become a true fitness fanatic. And the person living a small, uneventful, boring life can grow so uncomfortable with that kind of living that he makes changes today to begin living a larger more compelling life.
Where is your pain? Is it moving you to adjust your life? Are there things you need to change today? It can happen. It happens all the time. You are not a pawn in the game of life. You have more strength than you realize. The pain you have been feeling can be a great catalyst for the change that will make all the difference for you. You can do this!