If I Could Do It All Over Again
What advice would you give to your 20 year old self? Have you ever thought about that one? It really is a great question. If you are 23 years old reading this you probably don’t see it as very special. But, if you are 50 years old, it becomes quite significant. What would you advise the 20 year old you to do differently? What did you think was a big deal, but in retrospect you have realized it wasn’t? What risks should you have heeded and what risks should you have ignored? At the wise age of 54 here is one thing I would have loved to have known at 20.
Don’t be in such a hurry. At 20 I was moving pretty fast. I was in a race to be seen as successful. I graduated High School early. I married at 17. I became a father at 19. I graduated college at 21. I went to graduate school. I had a second child at 22. I served three churches as Senior Pastor before I was 24. I was trying to prove I was important so I was chalking up accomplishments as fast I could. But at 24, I saw my life crash as I went through a divorce and my hurried life came to a screeching halt. I was a mess. I had an ulcer and hypertension. Who was I racing? Why all the pressure at such a young age? If I could go back in time and counsel a young me I would say, “Ray, learn to enjoy the journey. It’s not about getting quickly to a destination. Life is a beautiful adventure. Enjoy it. Don’t race through it. Don’t be in a hurry. Learn to relax more. Learn to laugh more. Don’t try to have it all right now.
You can’t go back. None of us can. But you can make adjustments. One of my favorite quotes is from Maya Angelou who said, “I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better.” That’s all any of us can do. I am not in a race anymore. I try to stop and smell the roses. I remind myself every day the big life is not about a destination but rather a journey. A journey I get to discover every day. There is no need to stress or worry. I want to be grateful for where I am right now without obsessing about where I might be next week, month or year.
Back To School
Today many of the students in Atlanta start back to school after their summer break. I remember as a kid how excited I was about getting back to school. The night before each year’s first day I would be so excited I could barely sleep. Then, I would get a little touch of nervousness as I boarded the big yellow bus to take me to school. But, then I would arrive and whatever fears I had would slip quickly away. I discovered I liked new.
I liked making new friends. And, of course, I loved seeing my old friends. But, each year I knew I would meet someone new who would become a great friend. That always made the first day special.
I loved learning new things. I knew I was going to have some new teachers who were going to teach me some new things. That excited me. Every teacher wasn’t amazing but many were. Men and women with names like Clardy, Walker, Wiley, Butler, Crane, Smith, Surfas and Plunkett all had a huge influence in my life. I knew each year teachers would help me learn new concepts, facts and formulas. What would I experience over the next nine months? I didn’t know but I was really excited about the opportunity.
Here it is 36 years after my last high school class and I still love those two things. If I can make a new friend or learn something new I feel fulfilled. That’s not a bad commitment for you to make today. Make it a priority to meet new people and cultivate new friendships. It will enrich your life greatly. And, then make it a priority to learn something new. Don’t stop growing. I try to remember when something stops growing it begins to die. I want to be learning and growing as long as I possibly can. I also tell myself regularly that leaders are learners. If I want to lead others I must be growing myself.
Six of my eight grandkids will start back to school today. I hope they are as excited as I used to be.
Lessons From Fat Matt’s
Fat Matt’s Rib Shack is one of my favorite places to eat in Atlanta. Fat Matt’s has been open for business since 1990. It is in a small space. The building previously had been a Chinese Restaurant and before that, a Dunkin Donuts. You have to stand in a pretty long line to order.
Parking is difficult. The roof leaks. But even with those small issues, I choose to go there every time I can because it it special. And I am not alone in this assessment. Blue collar workers and business men and women all love it. Professional athletes, politicians and movie stars all make sure they stop by when they are in Atlanta. Fat Matt’s is so famous it even was mentioned in the George Clooney movie Up In The Air. It was a great moment in cinematic history when the Clooney character tells a friend when he is going to be in Atlanta, “You have to eat at Fat Matt’s.” And then he adds, “Make sure you bring a bib.”
So why is Fat Matt’s so wonderful?
Here are more than a couple of thoughts…
- Fat Matt’s Rib Shack knows what it is and doesn’t try to pretend to be something it is not.
- The menu is simple.
- They do ribs, chicken, barbecue sandwiches, some sides, white bread, beer and soft drinks.
- It is not fancy. The building is a shack.
- If you want pasta, go somewhere else.
- If you are looking for a good salad, you won’t find one at Fat Matt’s.
- BUT, and this is HUGE, if you want ribs with the meat falling off the bone with some white bread and collard greens, you have come to the right place.
- They offer a different vibe than most restaurants because they have live blues music every evening.
- There is something really cool about eating ribs and listening to the the piano playing of Eddie Tigner, the 90 year old Blues icon and his band.
- IT IS MAGIC!
- Blues and ribs just go together.
- It isn’t slick – it’s real, and real matters.
- MOSTLY, more than any other thing … I simply love it.
So that’s it. Fat Matt’s knows what it is and doesn’t get out of it’s lane. Then it mixes the Blues with the good food which makes for a great eating experience. Sometimes a brilliant business plan can be simple.
Matt Harper, the owner, who is not fat at all, has nailed it. (seen below with two happy customers)
Thanks Matt for creating a place that is different than all the cookie cutter restaurants. You sir, own an original. Thanks for creating something that feels like it is from another era.
It is simple, yet amazing. And it’s always good.
Leadership Lessons
I have led many groups of people for over 30 years. During that time, the teams I led experienced some great victories and some pretty ugly defeats. When reflecting on those wins and loses today, I thought about things I did that hurt our chances to succeed. There were times when . . .
- I didn’t clearly articulate the mission or objective.
The leader’s job is to define where the team needs to go. I have had some seasons in my life when I was unsure, and that left the team with no sense of purpose or direction. Then there were other times when I felt I had a good sense of where we were supposed to be going, but I didn’t spend enough time thinking through how to communicate it effectively. Both of these scenarios were death to my team.
- I didn’t live up to the ideals I said we were going to embrace.
As a leader, it is important to embody the core values of the organization. If I say we are all about serving the poor and then show no real compassion towards marginalized hurting people, I have failed my team. If I say no job is beneath any of us, but then I refuse to pick up garbage lying on the ground in the company parking lot, I have failed the team. If I say we put family first, and don’t live up to that credo, I have failed as a team leader. The leader’s words have to match his or her life, and when I have failed there, I have hurt my team.
Ralph Waldo Emerson was right when he said, “The speed of the leader determines the rate of the pack.” As the leader goes, so goes the organization. I am grateful for the men and women who have chosen to be members of teams I have led through the years. We have had some amazing times. I wish I had always led them excellently. I didn’t, but I have learned. And, that’s all we can do. Keep learning and growing. And then you can live the big life you know you are supposed to be living.
Relational Health
Own It
I have counseled with scores of people who have repeatedly failed in the same ways again and again. Many of them still are affixing blame and cannot imagine how they are culpable in their most recent failure, even though it is a pattern that has happened other times and they are the only common denominator in every situation.
Why is it so hard to own our weaknesses? Why do we resist being honest about our faults? I have discovered real growth only happens when you can be brutally honest about both your strengths and weaknesses – your successes and your failures.
As a young man, I found myself picking up the pieces from my derailed life too many times. I always could attach blame to other people and circumstances. Thankfully there came a day when I no longer wanted that type of life. I wanted to be better. I wanted healthier relationships. I wanted to make wiser decisions. And it all began to get better for me when I owned my part of my previous troubles. It was hugely important for me to admit that I had behavior patterns that were deep rooted that did not serve me well. Anger, passive aggression, no boundaries, poor decision making were all a part of my DNA. I could keep repeating the patterns or I could own them and be freed from them. I chose the latter and I am glad I did.
I hope you will do the same. Owning your weakness isn’t diminishing to your personhood. I would never want you to do anything that would imply you are at your core wicked or evil. You just have some weaknesses and admitting to them and doing what you can do to correct them is the best thing you can do. It really is true, you have to own it to truly overcome it.
As You Think, So You Are
Taking Action
Orthodoxy means “correct belief.” Orthopraxy means “correct practice.” Too many of us hold to the right beliefs about most things, but never get around to putting any of those beliefs into practice. Many will argue that all that really matters is thinking correctly about things. Please don’t think that is true.
The big life is not about just believing we can live a larger, more generous, inclusive, adventure filled life. It is about taking the steps necessary to do it. Make sure you are actively making decisions every day to live the beautiful big life you are capable of living.
Paying To Get The Job Done
Sometimes I have to hire laborers to do hard, physical work that I am not willing to do. The going rate is around $100 a day. Today, I felt unbelievably fortunate to hire a guy named Elbert Williams to cut down some huge, overgrown bushes, pull them up by the roots and move a lot of big rocks that were buried underneath the soil. Elbert was Hercules strong with an incredible attitude. He actually enjoyed working in the 100 degree heat. He did an eight hour job with no breaks in just four hours! He didn’t work the clock, he just got the job done with excellence. So, what does an employer do? Pay him $50? Absolutely not! I paid him $120 because he was worth it. E, as he is affectionately called, was a pure joy to watch. I would take his energy every day over someone who is “milking” a job just to get a check.
A pay scale that is attached to how many hours one works is wrong to me. I know in some situations that is an important metric. But in most cases, I prefer paying for terrific results. If you can do a great job in a fraction of the time – wonderful. Just do it! And if you are the boss, reward those people. Their energy and production are far more important than someone who is merely taking up space watching the clock tick until they get their paycheck.
Taking The Next Right Step
Life isn’t fair. I realize that every day when I meet people, hear their stories, and then compare them to my own. Many blame their place in life on their circumstances and it sounds something like this…..
- My parents weren’t there for me.
- My first wife wrecked me and I haven’t recovered.
- The boss had it in for me and I finally said, “To heck with this.”
- The coach had favorites so I never got to really play.
I have heard these stories hundreds of times. They are always sad. I don’t want to negate the real pain people feel when they are hurt by others, but I do want to give you a different perspective.
When I have a pity party because something has gone wrong in my life I try to remind myself it is not what has happened to me. It is how I respond to what has happened to me that will make the difference. I want to introduce you to a new mantra today. If you are making excuses for poor performance and a ‘less than you had hoped for’ life, this will help you. Learn to say, “I am not a product of my circumstances. I am a product of my decisions.”
That is the key. Stop complaining about circumstances. They are not what is holding you back. Your decisions are. Decide now to start making healthy, well informed, positive decisions. That will insure your success with your big life.