Assume Nothing
A few years ago, our church had a service centered around sharing a Thanksgiving meal with the poorest of the poor in our community. My wife was involved in all the preparations needed to make the day really special. When it concluded we had served about 500 people. Jane was exhausted. She said her goodbyes to the workers and loaded up her car with pots, pans and dishes.
Jane tells it better than me, so she will finish telling the story. “When I left the church I was extremely tired and so ready to get home after a long day of cooking, cleaning and serving. I had driven a few miles when I had to stop at a red light on a busy street. I saw a man out of the corner of my eye motioning for me from the sidewalk. This is not unusual; we have a lot of people who ask for handouts and I assumed that was what he wanted. Because I was so tired, I thought I would just ignore him and pretend I didn’t see him. Let me insert here that it doesn’t offend me that men and women ask regularly for help from the sidewalks near our house. They are kind and I help them when I can. But I couldn’t help now! I had been working for hours trying to help the poor today! As I sat at the red light, the man kept gesturing and I kept ignoring him. I had my eyes glued on the road like I had blinders on. I prayed, dear God, when is this light going to turn green? I needed to drive on. The man continued, almost begging, for me to roll down my window. Finally, I gave in, thinking I would say, I just can’t help any more today! Before I could say anything, the man, smiling, said to me, “Ma’am, you have a dish on top of your car.”
I put the car in park, got out and retrieved the dish. I thanked my new friend and laughed the rest of the way home. Then I shared my story with Ray. I had learned a lesson. Sometimes people don’t want anything except to help you get your casserole dish off the top of your car.”
Big Lifers, what are you assuming today? It might be better for you to stop assuming now. My wife tells me, “Assumption is the mother of all foul-ups.” I believe she is right.
Do It Now!
There have been seasons in my life when I knew what steps I needed to take to move me towards my goals, but for some reason I put them off. Putting off what you know you need to do produces a miserable life. Nothing feels right. Nothing tastes right. You can’t enjoy anything in your life when you know you haven’t done what you should be doing.
Victor Kiam was right, “Procrastination is opportunity’s assassin.”
I have discovered that people procrastinate for many different reasons. Some people procrastinate because of fear. If that is you, you must learn to not give in. A big life says no to fear. Others procrastinate because they are perfectionists who are always waiting for the perfect time to do what they know they need to do. If that is you, understand that there is never a perfect time. All you have is today. Make the most of this moment. Today, please do those things you know you need to do. Stop killing your opportunities. Decide what next steps you need to take and take them. That is the only way you will ever live a truly big life.
Mastering The Tightrope
The best things in life don’t usually “just happen.” Oh, I guess there are those occasional serendipitous moments that surprise us with pure delight, but that is the exception, not the rule. Mostly things stay the same or get worse without intentionality.
Work/Life Balance is one of those areas of life that doesn’t just happen. It has to be thought about and worked on continually if you want to live a healthy, successful life. I know this from experience. As a young professional, I focussed on my career and did not properly prioritize my family or my health. The end results…..not very good. I could point out several other areas of life where I ignored something important while focussing on something else. Always, the results were less than ideal.
Scenarios like these are what led me to write my book on work/life balance titled, “THE TIGHTROPE TANGO – Unleashing The Power Of Balance.” The book is written in parable form and tells the story of a young couple who are struggling with the daily demands of life. In their journey, they uncover four core principles that allow them to live truly balanced lives.
I wrote the book years ago, but Jane and I still go back and review it occasionally. I hear you thinking, “Why would you review your own book?” I have a theory that the most important ideas in our brain leak out from time to time and we have to revisit the topic to get ourselves full again. At 54 years of age, I still have to sit down and look at best practices on work/life balance to keep myself in the zone where real success is found.
I am speaking today at a conference to 150 leaders who work in International Real Estate Management. I will let them know how I missed work/life balance as a young man. I will help them learn a better way. It is a good feeling to know I am wiser now than I was. And it is wonderful to get to share that wisdom with others.
What You And Miss America Have In Common
Jane and I had a wonderful lunch Saturday with a really cool lady who just happens to be the mother of a former Miss America.
We met Susan at a dinner party and found her to be delightful. We made promises to reconnect to get to know each other better, and that’s what we did. Because we did not know Susan well, I assumed she had raised her daughter in beauty pageants with the pinnacle of pageants being Miss America. I was totally wrong. Susan’s daughter, Deidre, had been a great volleyball player who went to college on a sports scholarship. After a year or so of competing at the University of Virginia, Deidre decided she didn’t want to continue playing, but quitting athletics meant surrendering her scholarship.
Susan, the mom, suggested that maybe she could enter some pageants in Alabama for the scholarship rewards that are given to the winners. Deidre agreed and with her natural beauty and musical talents, she began placing in local pageants and raising the money she needed to stay in school. In her last year of competing, she won Miss Alabama which meant she would be in the Miss America Pageant. 
Again, I asked Susan if there were thoughts she would win Miss America, and she said absolutely not. They were thrilled she was going, but, they just hoped she could make the top ten and be on the television portion of the show. When it came down to the top two, it was Miss Alabama and Miss Louisiana. Then the winner was announced. Clay Akin began to sing and Susan realized her daughter was Miss America!
Here’s my point. Most of us don’t have what it takes to be a Miss America. I know I don’t. 🙂 But, there have been times when my life plan has come to an abrupt halt just like Deidre’s when she decided she no longer wanted to play collegiate volleyball. She ended her scholarship and needed another path. She didn’t enter pageants to win Miss America. She entered pageants to pay for college. Then one step led to another and the rest, as they say, is history.
If you are stuck, figure out the next right step and take it. That’s all you can do. It will lead you to the next right step. When you string together enough of these right steps you will see true magic begin to happen for you. That is the secret. It worked for Dr. Deidre Downs Gunn and it could work for you.
It’s Not Going To Happen By Luck
What’s your plan….
- to make a living?
- to provide for your family?
- to prepare for your retirement?
“I don’t really know Ray, I just believe somehow everything is going to just work out. I just have this feeling that I am going to win the lottery and all of my dreams are going to come true.”
I’ve heard some form of that answer a hundred times in my life. And truthfully the people who approach life in this way do get by – but just barely. I want to suggest it takes more than just hoping everything will work out for things to really work out. You will get by but your life won’t be very big.
Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “Shallow men believe in luck. Strong men believe in cause and effect.”
I believe real success requires a person to dream of a better life. But, it can’t stop there. You have to do the things necessary to see that dream become a reality. This step often looks a lot like work. That’s ok. Work attached to a dream is a beautiful thing. I believe when you are doing this work that is attached to your dream, you will see your life open up with possibilities beyond your wildest imagination. But that isn’t luck.
Make sure you are not on the fantasy plan of believing luck is going to take care of you. There is a cause and effect element to success. Practice doing good work and reap the rewards that will come your way.
It’s Time To Confront Your Fears
Have you ever been afraid to step out and do that thing you know you need to do? Maybe it was a career move you knew you needed to make but you couldn’t bring yourself to do it. Perhaps, it was getting out of a relationship that was killing you, but you stayed and your life has suffered because of it. There have been many times I didn’t do what I knew I needed to do, and it was because deep down, I was afraid. It took me a long time to realize that everyone has fear. How you learn to handle your fear is one of the most important life skills you will ever learn. It will make the difference in your life being big and full, or your life staying small and empty.
Cus D’ Amato was an American boxing manager who trained and handled champions like Mike Tyson, Floyd Patterson and Jose’ Torres. Cus saw fear as a constant in every person’s life. Cus said it like this, “The hero and the coward both feel exactly the same fear, only the hero confronts his fear & converts it to fire.” You didn’t even know that was a possibility, but it is. The fear that has held you back can become a burning flame when you confront it and convert it to useful energy for you.
So what are you not doing because you are afraid? Maybe it’s time for you to get serious with your fear and start that fire that is waiting to ignite in you.
Stop Judging
Last week at church I momentarily was an ass. Don’t worry, no one saw it. No one knows about it till right now. But I was and I knew it. Here’s the story.
In the middle of our service each week we take a moment to shake hands and greet each other. Last week at that time, I was near the back of the auditorium and I saw a young couple that I know very well just arriving for the service. I glanced at my watch. They were 30 minutes late. As I headed to greet them, I began to judge. These thoughts quickly raced through my mind:
- Half of the service is over.
- You can’t succeed unless you are punctual.
- It seems really odd to arrive 30 minutes late to an hour long service.
- I’m glad I have never had issues with arriving on time.
- Etc, etc, etc….
When I got to them I hugged them. They were wet with perspiration. That was when it hit me. They were late because they had walked over three miles with their toddler to be at church in nearly 90 degree heat. I had judged them and I was so wrong.
What is even crazier is I know this couple’s story. They both work very hard to try to succeed. When the wife worked at the Atlanta Airport Starbucks, her husband would get up and walk her and their baby to the bus stop a mile away at 4:30 in the morning. Then he would walk with their baby two more miles to a sitter where he would drop off his son and then walk two more miles to his job. At the end of the day all of this would be reversed. I have never had a day in my life when I had to walk to a job, a bus or church. That Sunday morning, I let a judgemental thought cross my mind about two people who were doing their absolute best. Shame on me.
I don’t like it when I judge. It seems small minded. I want to be remembered for living a big life. And big life people cut other people slack. A big life recognizes others have struggles we can’t even imagine. Big life focusses on being the best person I can be without judging others. Friends, stop judging. It really is ugly.
Ian Maclaren said it well. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always.
Dream On
“If you set your goals ridiculously high and it’s a failure, you will fail above everyone else’s success.” James Cameron
I have always dreamed big. I think it is probably a part of my natural wiring. I wasn’t taught to think this way, I just always have. And, conversely, I have known many wonderful people who are not so inclined, and that’s ok. Here’s what I like about being a big dreamer:
There is more potential for good things to happen. Obviously, I don’t accomplish all of my dreams. I have a long list of things I dreamed, hoped and planned would happen, but it never did. Some people tell me that would be too painful for them to handle. Their strategy is to never face any disappointment, so they keep their dreams really small. I get that. That is one way to minimize any pain in having a dream or goal not come to pass. But for some reason, it has never really bothered me to not accomplish all of my dreams and goals. I have always felt because I dream more than most, I will have more dreams go unfulfilled than most, but, I also will have more dreams that do come to pass than most. It just feels like the law of averages to me. I also think when you shoot for the stars even if you come up short you still far exceed what would have happened in your life if you never aimed at anything. I think big living usually happens when a man or a woman has some dreams of a bigger life they want to live. You have to dream it before you achieve it.
Getting Better Results
I have a friend who is a wonderful leader. One of his strengths is drawing people into the process of collaboration. I have watched him do this dozens of times. When an idea is submitted for team consideration, he always asks if anyone would like to take a shot at ‘plussing’ the idea. By that, he means adding to, or building upon, the original submission.
It is interesting to me how phrasing it that way seems to make the person who originally stated the idea feel validated. It also seems to take the pressure off of the other team members who might be a little too timid to want to participate. In this positive climate, each member is encouraged to give their take on ‘plussing’ the idea. Their attempt might or might not be good. They are only trying to ‘plus’ it. It feels like a win/win for everyone.
Great leaders encourage people to solve big problems. It can be done with a heavy hand, but I like my friend’s approach. Try it. Ask a group to help you ‘plus’ an idea. I bet you’ll get good participation. And, I bet you’ll get better results. When an idea is ‘plussed’ it becomes bigger. Bigger ideas lead to bigger solutions which always lead to a bigger life.
I’ll Be Happy When ……..
If I just had more (fill in the blank) ________, I would be happy. How many of us have said that very sentence and believed somehow it was true? And yet we know it is not. Unhappy people stay unhappy even if they have great things happen to them. And conversely, happy people seem to stay happy even when they face adversity.
A study was done several years ago by Dr. Janoff Bulman. The researchers under Dr. Bulman studied 22 people who had won the lottery. In our society winning the lottery is a metaphor for finally entering the good life. Here is what the researchers discovered. The 22 people who won the lottery were precisely at the same happiness level they had been at before they won the lottery within six months of their winning. Think about that for a moment. These 22 people experienced an amazing windfall and their happiness quotient stayed the exact same.
But the most interesting part of their study was this. The researchers also studied a group of 29 people who were in accidents and became quadriplegics. They discovered within six months of their accidents they were at the same happiness level they had been at before they were hurt.
And one final point in their study to think about. The researchers discovered many of these quadriplegics were more hopeful about their futures than the lottery winners were.
You and I have to learn to be happy where we are. We can want to be better and do more. Those things are good desires. But never think happiness comes from outside of you. It is something you carry on the inside. Big life people understand this and learn how to walk in their inner happiness in good times and bad.