What’s Holding You Back?
Have you ever wondered why some people with great talents never live up to their potential while others with far less natural ability seem to enjoy tremendous success?
Let me be personal. Have you wondered what’s holding you back from the success you dream about? You see others with less talent succeeding yet you seem to be stuck on first base. Your heart knows you were destined for more so you go through the mental checklist: (I’ve done this)
– Have a Dream – Check
– Have Intelligence – Check
– Have Desire – Check
– Have Character – Check
Yet something is wrong. An unseen force seems to hold you back. I believe sometimes there is a underlying mindset that is contributing to you being stuck. I believe there’s a misconception that has caused you to settle for a lesser life than what you desire deep down. Let me explain….
I think some of us confuse the idea of humility with fear. You say about success, “Oh I could never do that. I am not qualified for that kind of achievement. My life is not about that level of success. My family is a humble family that never really rises to the top.” You think you are being humble. Yet, more times than not this is not true humility, it is FEAR. You are afraid of achievement. It is a lack of faith in yourself that keeps you stuck. You don’t like owning that you are afraid so you flip it to a more attractive diagnosis that says you are just a humble person experiencing humble results.
I know what I am writing about because I have struggled here myself. I used to look around and say I’m living a good life, I have a great family, and I am enjoying a fulfilling career. Yet, I was still restless. I knew I was settling for less than what I was capable of achieving. I thought my results were the best I could ever hope for. I would rationalize this by thinking, I am just a humble man enjoying far more than I deserve, but that wasn’t it. The truth I discovered about me stung. My issue was I was afraid. I was afraid of my own success. I was afraid of separating myself from the pack. I was afraid of really becoming the man I was created to be. I know it sounds crazy but it is true.
Your success starts with a mindset. You were not stamped at birth with a mark on your backside that determines the heights you are allowed to go. If you have a burning in your heart for more than anyone in your family has ever achieved, don’t bail on that dream. Don’t write it off and convince yourself you are too humble a person, from too humble a family to live the big life you dream about. The issue you have to defeat is fear. We all face it.
The man or woman who succeeds greatly has had to learn to walk in faith and not fear. The best way I know to defeat debilitating fear is to charge straight ahead and step on its throat. I taught my sons a mantra when they were young. It goes like this: “Do the thing you fear the most and the death of fear is certain.” It really works like that. When you defeat fear once, it becomes easier to make it your habit. Stop confusing humility with fear.
Until the next time, I hope you’ll keep growing and learning and maximizing this wonderful life you’ve been given.
Big Living,
Ray
Embracing Diversity
My wife and I live in a wonderful neighborhood called Jefferson Park located in East Point on the border of South Atlanta. It is charming community with vintage houses and bungalows from the 1930s. Our house is 86 years old and has tons of character. We love where we live. The thing we have enjoyed the most about living in our neighborhood is the diversity of our neighbors. It is unlike anything we have ever known. Our community is made up of people who wear white collars and blue collars, people who are straight and gay, people who are black and white and shades in between. There are Republicans and Democrats. Some are highly educated and some are not. It really is a rainbow of diversity and we love it.
Why does embracing diversity make life better?
It broadens your understanding of cultural issues. If you only live around people just like you, there is a good chance you will miss the complexities that take place in social discourse. Having friends who come to the discussion from different places helps me see things from a more enlightened position.
It expands your understanding of the human condition. I knew very few same sex couples before I moved to Jefferson Park. Now I know more than a hundred. And you know what? Some of them are the strongest healthiest couples I know. My proximity to them has helped me learn things I could never know before. I no longer just experience exposure to same sex couples through television. I now know them because they are my neighbors. We break bread together. We laugh together and we cry together. And, my capacity for love and appreciation for people whose story is not the same as mine has grown.
Finally on a lighter note, diversity makes for much better potlucks. I’m not knocking the potlucks of my childhood but when you can add a little Soul food, Mexican food, Asian food and vegan specialties to a good southern meal…..wow!! Talk about special!
We love our beautifully diverse neighborhood. It is one of the things in life for which we are most grateful. Our desire is that people everywhere could learn to embrace the differences in others. Our neighborhood is a little slice of heaven to us. We would never want to live where everyone looked and thought exactly the same. The big life requires embracing diversity. We have done it…..we hope you will too.
Don’t Miss It — Be There!
Jane and I were walking on the pier in Santa Barbara, CA a few weeks ago and we decided to check out a place called Deep Sea Tasting, a wine tasting room. It was a cool experience and we learned some interesting facts about the wines produced in and around the area. A man stood over to the side watching the sommelier as he taught the people who were there for the tasting. I introduced myself and discovered he worked in Real Estate and he was there because the sommelier was his son. He was a very proud dad.
As we chatted we began to talk about the fine art of balancing our work life with our home life. I confessed to him that for much of my young adult life I had failed miserably with that. It was easy for me to be focussed on work and I carried that focus around 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. My problem was when I was supposed to be focussed on home my mind would still be at work. I thought I was fooling people but my closest family members and friends knew my mind was always on the job.
We agreed the answer to this problem is to learn to be present, really present, wherever you are. If you are on the job, focus on being the best you can be there. Give your business your best efforts. When you are at home, learn to be fully present there as well. Listen to your partner when he or she speaks, look into the eyes of your child when they are telling you about their day. It’s not easy but it’s necessary. Learn to be fully engaged at work and fully engaged at home.
I’ve thought about that meeting a lot over the last several days. I want to live my life always present in the moment. I do it better now than in my past, but I still can drift back into old habits. How about you? Are you living in the moment? Do something a little different today. When you are work – be there. And when you get home with your family and friends – be there. Both groups will be better served and you will be a healthier, happier person.
I remember an advertisement from when I was a little boy. It was for professional wrestling events. It always ended with the announcer saying, “Don’t miss it…..Be there!” That’s good advice for you and me today, don’t you think? If you are going to live a truly big life, it is a must.
Getting in the Game
Both of my sons played college football at Columbia University in New York. They are both 5’9. If you evaluated them from the perspective of a college scout, you would say they were undersized but had good natural athletic ability. Why did they have the success they had growing up in sports when many with greater abilities, size and strength did not? I think the answer to that question lies in the way they approached sports from their earliest years of playing.
When both of my sons were little they realized the coach of the team was in charge. They intuitively understood their job was to give the coach what he wanted, with no excuses. I watched other parents run interference for their kids by talking to the coach about giving “little Johnny” more playing time; or lobbying for the coach to give their child a shot at a different position. That was never the way my boys approached sports. They would have died if they thought I had tried to persuade the coach on their behalf.
If the coach was in charge, my boys figured out what the coach wanted and then they gave it to him as best they could. On every team they played on coaches quickly noticed them because of their work ethic and their willingness to help accomplish the coach’s vision for the team. As a proud dad, I think this was one of the reasons they had so much success. And, I believe it is why coaches went out of their way to help open doors for them as they left a team to move to the next level of competition.
If you want to achieve, there is a huge lesson to be learned from my sons. If you have a boss, find out what he or she needs and wants from you and then give it to him or her with no excuses. Don’t depend on someone else to get you the job promotion. Give your best to your supervisor and keep a good attitude and I believe in most cases the doors of advancement will open up for you. It’s really that simple. Show up every day with a great attitude and produce. I believe that puts you in the top 2% of workers in America. You will do better than 98% of everyone else with that simple work philosophy.
My sons played their last football games a long time ago. Now they are successful business men with wonderful families and careers. And I believe the success they are experiencing now has direct correlation to the way they played for their coaches when they were younger. Never forget, the coach is in charge. Give the coach what he wants and he will play you and you will have a chance to be successful.
What’s Popping Out of You?
Do you remember playing with a jack-in-the-box? When I was a child it was the go to gift to give to toddlers. You would get the young child to turn the handle on the box and music would play (All around the mulberry bush..) and then when they least expected it, the box would burst open and a clown or jester would pop out. Then the child would either squeal with delight or cry hysterically.
This morning I was thinking about how our life is a little bit like the jack-in-the-box. You and I are pretty good at keeping our inner lives hidden. We know how to put on a great face in almost every situation. But there are situations that affect us much like the turning of the crank on the jack-in-the-box. And often to our great surprise, when we least expect it, out jumps an attitude that seems foreign to us, at least outwardly.
Where did that come from? That’s not me. I am not that way. That was an apparition. I think what is in us comes out of us during stressful times. I find this truth that my attitude reveals the real me – to be quite sobering. And there is no way to manage away that truth. That is why we must never ignore our interior life. We like painting the outside of the house for everyone to see. But we can’t ignore the foundation and structure of the house which is not easily seen but is much more important.
When something really ugly comes out of you don’t ignore it. Don’t try to explain it away. The nastiness came out of you because it was in you. Own it. And then set out to work on changing it. As you grow and mature in life your response to stressful things needs to reflect the deeper more thoughtful person you are becoming. Do the tough interior work. You will be so glad you did.
Doing What You Do Excellently
Fred Payton personifies to me excellence in business. He delivers a service to some of the wealthiest people in Atlanta. You see the attention to detail when you are in his presence. His business is so good he doesn’t need a marketing budget. His return customers and word of mouth advertising is the best I have ever witnessed.
Fred is 66 years old. He commutes over 100 miles one way from Alabama to Atlanta, GA. now only three days a week but for years he made that commute five days a week. He has been mastering his craft since 1964. Fred is the sole proprietor of The Glass Shine located at 1180 Peachtree Street in Midtown Atlanta. He has been shining my shoes for 15 years and after meeting him I decided as long as he is opened I would take my business to him.
What makes Fred so great at what he does?
He sees himself as a professional. He believes because of the glass shine he puts on men and women’s shoes, they are able to look their best. He doesn’t see himself in a lowly job. He sees himself in a job of great importance. He conveys a confidence that is very attractive. I want him on my team. Why? Because all the sharp dressed men in Atlanta have him on their team. And they do.
He performs his service with excellence. There is a Jewish scripture that says, “Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might…” (Ecclesiastes 9:10) Fred embodies that kind of ethic. I have never felt like Fred mailed in a shine. I believe every time I have ever given him my shoes, he has worked his craft excellently. It is crazy, but I love being around him because of his quality of work. I feel I am a better person from just being in his presence.
He has a system he follows. I have dropped off shoes to Fred many times over 15 years. When I go to pick them up he always concludes the sales process the same way. He takes a pair of my shoes out of a bag and places them on a table. He points out the beauty of the shine and any concerns like heel or sole issues. Then he places them back in the plastic bag and ties the top closed always leaving a little opening to make sure the shoes don’t get too hot if they are left in the car. He then opens the next bag and pulls out the next pair of shoes and repeats the process. I am not joking when I say it is the same way every time. And I love it. He has a system and he works it beautifully every day.
So ‘Big Life’ devotees, my word to you today is excellence in things big and small. It is a beautiful thing to watch someone committed to doing things right. And don’t forget, if you are driving distance from Atlanta and you need a pair of shoes polished go meet my friend Fred. He will treat you right – every time.
It’s About Time
When I was a teenager I had the good fortune of spending a significant amount of time with Fred C. Maples. Fred was 52 years older than me. He had been a very famous gospel singer in the 1940s and 50s. His group, the Harmoneers recorded on RCA Victor and Fred was posthumously inducted into the Gospel Music Hall of Fame in 2003. If his name sounds familiar, I gave a key character in my book, The Tightrope Tango, Unleashing the Power of Balance, the name Fred Maples as a way to honor my old friend.
As a high school freshman, during summer break, I would go to Fred’s office and sit for hours listening to him talk about his life on the stage. He was a hero to me. Because he sensed I had the stage in my future, he more than once told me this rule to follow. “Ray”, he would say, “Always give people back a little time.” “Most people take what they are given plus a little more. If you are a singer, you might be given a spot on a program to perform for 30 minutes. Most will go 35 minutes. This puts the promoter in a difficult spot as he tries to adjust his show to compensate for your long set. Be the type of person who goes 28 minutes. The promoter will appreciate you. Plus you want to always leave your audience wanting more.”
I have never forgotten those true words. Fred passed away in 1987. Yet, that simple piece of advice has helped me numerous times in many different settings. Most people feel time drained. They are being pulled in many different directions by many competing forces. Respect people’s time and people will appreciate you for it.
How do I respect people’s time?
If you have an appointment, be on time. Actually be early and ready to ring the bell at the precise time you said you would be there. It is disrespectful to show up late. Just the other day an insurance salesman arrived 45 minutes late for an appointment with my wife and me. I let him talk a few minutes and then I had to end the meeting. We had other appointments and could not let his poor time management control our day.
Don’t over explain. If I am meeting with a salesperson, I want them to explain the product to me but I do not want the super long and complex presentation. I want the high points and then some printed materials I can read at my leisure. I do not want to be with a salesperson all day. I want the most efficient presentation they can make. I will do business with them if they respect my time.
If you are giving an oral presentation, when you come to your conclusion, “LAND THE PLANE”. I cannot tell you how many presentations have been ruined by the presenter not knowing how to land the plane. When it’s over….end it. Don’t circle the airport anymore. And, if I thought you were going to speak for an hour and you did an excellent job and ended in 57 minutes, I will appreciate you immensely for the three extra minutes you have given back to me.
So think about it today. How are you doing with time. Are you giving people back a little time or are you soaking every minute you can from them. Fred C. Maples influenced me a great deal. I think about him often. And I will forever be grateful for his advice to me. I believe Fred C. Maples was right on TIME.
What Are You Attracting?
Who wants to hang out with people who complain all the time? I certainly don’t, and I’ll bet you don’t either. I am not saying we should deny that life has problems. We do not live in denial. We just don’t like being around people who complain all the time.
The adage is true. If something can be fixed, fix it. If it can’t be fixed, then accept it. But don’t spend time complaining about it.
You know the type. It’s the guy you pray you don’t get stuck next to when a group goes out for dinner. You know him. He will drone on and on about his problems all night long. Or, the lady you learned not to ask how she is doing because the last time you asked she told you for 45 minutes. She made sure to tell you about every ache and pain she has ever endured. You had to extract yourself from the conversation by pretending you had to go to a meeting.
Why is this so important? Because for the big life you want to live, you want positive, strong friends.
My experience has been the high functioning, winsome, happy friends you want to have will not stay close to you if you are constantly complaining. The people who are drawn to a complainer are also complainers.
I ran across a quote about complaining a few years ago. I’m not sure of where it originated, but I love the sentiment. So, do me and you a favor.Memorize this quote! Tattoo it on your body so you don’t forget it! Write it on your bathroom mirror so you see it every morning when you get up!
Here it is . . . .
When you complain you are a living breathing crap magnet.
I know it’s not delicately said, but it’s true. When you complain you are setting yourself up to only attract other negative complaining people into your life. So attract the kind of people you want to be around by being a winsome, helpful and positive person.
Say it with me….I don’t want to be a crap magnet.
What is Greatness?
Warrick Dunn was a great football player. He played at Florida State University and then for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Atlanta Falcons in the NFL. He received many prestigious awards as a player including NFL Offensive Rookie of the year in 1997 and three times he was selected for the Pro Bowl. His resume for achievement is impressive, except none of his exploits on the gridiron are what makes him great. His desire to give to help others less fortunate is what defines him as a champion.
Warrick’s life was not easy. In fact, it took a dramatic turn when he was a Senior in High School. His mom, while working as an off-duty police officer, escorting a businesswoman to a bank to make a night deposit, was ambushed and killed by armed robbers. Warrick had just turned eighteen only two days before his mom’s death. The men who committed the murder were arrested. Two of the three are on death row in Louisiana. As a way of processing this tragedy, Warrick arranged to meet one of the men charged with his mom’s death. He described the meeting beautifully in his book, Running For My Life. It is gut-wrenching to read and he gives great insight into what makes him so special. Warrick’s mom had always dreamed of owning a house. So, when he became an NFL star, he decided to use his fame and fortune to help single parents achieve something his mom was never able to achieve – to own their own home.
While Warrick was in the NFL he began a charity called Homes for the Holidays. The HFTH program, in partnership with Habitat for Humanity, helps provide a fully furnished house to single parents. Quietly with little media attention, Dunn has given away 145 homes to single-parent-families through his charity. He believes by providing families with a positive home environment, children can thrive educationally, socially and economically.
And that is what ultimately makes Warrick Dunn great to me. Many pursue success. Dunn pursues significance. He wants to insure he is giving back to those who have been less fortunate. This level of living is not reserved for just the superstar. It is within the grasp of people like you and me.
There are all kinds of people who need a champion in their life. Maybe you can’t buy a house for someone, but you can buy them a breakfast. Or you can help them network with some of your connections in their pursuit of a decent paying job. Or you can offer an encouraging word to them when they are down and out.
Recently I was with my grandchildren at an indoor amusement center. And, guess who walked in? It was my first meeting with the great football player/humanitarian. And wouldn’t you know it….he was as kind and gracious in person as you would expect. I had the privilege of telling him thanks for being such a great example through his generosity for others. He seemed a little embarrassed of the praise.
Living to help others is what makes life really special. The saddest lives are the ones that exist only for themselves. Real champions are the ones who have found a way to give back to those who are less fortunate. I want my life to be a “big life”. I want to know I made a little dent for good in this world. Warrick Dunn is a great example. He is a champion. And you and I can be one too.
Loyalty – A Lost Virtue
Napoleon Hill, the noted author once said, “Lack of loyalty is one of the major causes of failure in every walk of life.”
I think he was right. Loyalty is one of those virtues we talk about nostalgically. It was a virtue then – not so much now. In the distant past it was a character trait men and women wanted to have. You looked for it first in people you were going to do business with. When dating, it was a quality you longed to have in your partner. But we live now with the idea that relationships are expendable. Companies don’t show loyalty to their employees and employees don’t have any loyalty for their employers. You can be my BFF today and my enemy in a matter of minutes.
I want us to recapture the great virtues of the past including loyalty. I want you and me to be people who are loyal. The alternative is to be disloyal, faithless, undependable, unreliable and untrustworthy. None of those things needs to ever be said of us. We are living a ‘bigger life’ that certainly includes being loyal.
Well what’s needed? I think to be a loyal person you need to not overreact to difficulties you face. If you are breathing, difficulties will be happening. How you respond to them is the key. When I get caught up in a difficulty it is easy for me to become irritated with my wife Jane, or one of my sons, or a work associate. In a short amount of time I can start focusing on the problem and forget the value of the relationship.
An immature mind, pretty soon starts seeing the other person as the enemy. But they’re not the enemy. You love them, you’re married to them, they’re a friend, a parent, or child. You’re on the same team. Loyalty says, “Let’s stop attacking each other and let’s attack the problem together.” It’s a subtle shift in the way you look at the problem. Rather than seeing the person as the enemy, it’s good to say during an argument, “Hey, we’re on the same team. How can we work on this problem, together?”
If you want to love and respect people well, you must show them loyalty. Loyalty is one of the most powerful ways of expressing care toward another person. Let it be said of you and me that even though the culture didn’t reflect it or even necessarily value it, we were loyal people.